


if only i could prove that on my own i’m worthy (but it’s quiet here)

by hyper_hooked



Series: The Umbrella Academy (& Seven) [3]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: -y?, Abusive Reginald Hargreeves, Angst, Character Study, Gen, Kinda, Luther Hargreeves Deserves Better, Luther Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Luther Hargreeves-centric, No Incest, Non-Linear Narrative, Pre-Canon, Reginald Hargreeves Being an Asshole, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting, luther was a victim too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-17 09:07:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29714868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyper_hooked/pseuds/hyper_hooked
Summary: Luther stares down at the earth. Sometimes he remembers how he and Allison used to sneak out of their rooms and watch the moon together.(he wonders why he didn’t realize how lonely the moon would be, all those years ago.)(Allison is the third one to leave. There probably is a joke somewhere in there.)
Relationships: Allison Hargreeves & Luther Hargreeves, Luther Hargreeves & Reginald Hargreeves
Series: The Umbrella Academy (& Seven) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2175771
Kudos: 10





	if only i could prove that on my own i’m worthy (but it’s quiet here)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song Asystole by Hayley Williams (I'm so obsessed with her music. I listened to nothing but Petals of Armor for like a month)

Luther stares down at the earth.

He remembers how he and Allison used to sneak out of their rooms and watch the moon together.

_(Father is a harsh man with even harsher rules. But Luther knows that he only wants them to reach their fullest potential. He knows dad loves them in his own way.)_

( _he_ has _to._ )

He doesn’t like to break rules. He is number one. Their leader. It’s his responsibility to make sure his siblings don’t disobey. It’s his fault if something goes wrong in missions.

( _Ben. Ben is dead and Klaus isn’t sober enough to be useful in missions and they are_ failing _. Ben died in_ his _mission._ )

It’s his job to let them know when they do something wrong

_(sometimes he feels a twinge in his heart when he hears Klaus screaming at night after being gone for a whole day. Sometimes he feels a bit regret when he hears Five heaving in the bathroom after a particularly long training session. But he squashes the feelings before they can turn into something more. Dad says they are only a weakness. And Luther can’t be weak. He is the leader. It’s his fault if something happens to them. Luther is the leader and he has to be strong)_

_(if Ben had listened to dad, if Ben had had more training, if Luther had been just a bit stricter, if if if if)_

_(Ben is gone. And it’s his fault. Dad makes sure to remind him of that)_

_(Dad loves them. In his own way. He’s sure he does.)_

But sometimes, after hours and hours of training with his siblings

_(his head is pounding and his whole body is hurting and he’s so thirsty his tongue feels like velvet but he is still standing. He is their leader. He has to be strong. When he collapses two hours later all he feels is shame. Dad’s disappointed stare hurts more than his bruised torso and shaking arms. Dad tells him to stand up. Luther tries. Luther fails)_

_(He is weak and he is an awful leader and an awful son and an awful sibling and an awful person and Ben died and it is his fault because he is weak and he is an awful leader and an awful –)_

_(his special training is extra hard for the next month. To punish him for his insolence)_

_(but dad loves them. In his own way. Luther knows he does. He just needs to do better. Just needs to be stronger. Just needs to make him proud)_

_(awful son awful leader awful –)_

Allison would look at him during dinner and he would give her an almost imperceptible nod.

_(Luther glares at Diego when he tries to speak. Dad told them not to interrupt Herr Carlson. Don’t they know they have to listen to dad? Dad knows what’s best for them. Dad only wants them to reach their fullest potential.)_

_(Five, ramming the knife into the table. Five, interrupting Herr Carlson. Five, screaming at dad. Five, disappearing. Five_ , gone _.)_

 _(Ben. Blood gurgling out of his throat, tentacles still for once. Ben,_ gone _.)_

_(awful son awful brother awful leader awful –)_

_(maybe he should talk to dad about giving Diego more special training)_

They would meet later, at night. He and Allison. In each other’s rooms. In their hidden tent. By the big window in the attic. On the roof.

_(the moon glowing white in the dark sky. Full moon are the best nights. They will sit on the ledge of the window, their legs swinging in the air, their hands squeezed tightly together)_

_(he doesn’t have to be a leader he doesn’t have to be a perfect son he doesn’t have to be strong he can just be himself. Can just be Luther)_

_(those nights are dangerous. He will lay in bed, staring at the painted moon on his ceiling. He will ask unnecessary questions. Dangerous questions. He will convince himself that dad loves him. Loves_ Luther _, not just Number One)_

(dad loves them. In his own way. He has to.)

(if dad can’t love Luther, he will just become Number One)

_(full moon are the best nights. They will let their legs swing in the air and they will imagine what it would be like to be on the moon. They hold each other’s hand and dream about the future. Allison will talk about how she will rumour herself into all the biggest movies. Luther will stare wistfully at the moon. They will smile and they will laugh and they will forget about the world for a while.)_

~~(if dad can’t love Luther, he will run away)~~

 _(those nights are dangerous. Those nights are wrong._ Weak.)

_(he loves those nights)_

Allison is the third one to leave. There probably is a joke somewhere in there.

_(“Why are you leaving?”_

_“I can’t stay here any longer”_

_“But Allison! Dad needs you! The world needs you!”_

I _need you_

_“Why are you staying?”_

_“You know I can’t leave.”)_

_(the last time he sees her face she’s giving him a pitying look. Then she turns her back to him and leaves)_

_(he watches all the movies she plays in. Even if they are a waste of time. Even if he should be training instead. He wonders if she remembers those nights, too. If she looks up into the sky and remembers swinging legs and tightly held hands)_

_(He stops going. After. He can’t bring himself to go outside, to show his disgusting body to the world. Dad is right, this wouldn’t have happened if he was stronger. Dad is right, he should stop wasting time and train more. Dad is always right.)_

He thinks about her when he looks down at the earth. He wonders why he didn’t realize how lonely the moon would be, all those years ago.

_(he’s the only one left.)_

Sometimes he remembers those nights. Sometimes he can’t tune out the dangerous thoughts.

_~~(do you love me dad? I’m the only one left. I would do anything for you. I love you. I respect you. I adore you. Do you love me, dad? I’m your Number One, dad. Am I good enough? Do you love me, dad?)~~ _

_(awful son awful leader awful Number One awful –)_

~~(he knows the answer to that question)~~

_(he tells himself yes. Of course he does. Dad is just too busy to answer his letters. He saved his life. He trusted him to do this important mission. He trusts him to prevent the apocalypse.)_

_(He does everything and more to please him. He will make dad proud. ~~He will make dad love him.~~ ) _

_(he tells himself he’s enough. He doesn’t need the others. He’s Number One. He’s the leader. He’s_ strong _)_

~~(he did everything for dad. Gave his body, his siblings, his future)~~

~~It can’t all have been for nothing.~~

(does dad love me?

Yes. ~~He has to.~~ )

**Author's Note:**

> Me? Posting three stories in less than a week?? More likely than I thought
> 
> So I tried doing something a bit different this time and I think I'm pretty happy with it (I hope it's at least a little bit angsty, I even searched for fitting lyrics and everything) Well, you can't have hated it too much if you've read until here. I tried to show why Luther acted the way he did in s1 and I really hope I was successful. And don't forget to leave some kudos or maybe even a comment if you want to see more stuff like this!
> 
> Off-topic, but dude. I just watched ep9 of s2 yesterday. And Ben :'( !! But Carl :') !! idk I'm just scared for the finale. (let's see how much longer my obsession lasts after I'm done)
> 
> Don't forget to check out my other stuff if you enjoyed this and stay hydrated!!


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